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UConn Orders Sororities to Stop Acting Like Sororities

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This may not be what Kappa Kappa Gamma had in mind, but this is how we're picturing it.

This may not be what Kappa Kappa Gamma had in mind when they told the pledges to sizzle like bacon, but this is how we’re picturing it.

While I am the first to admit that it’s been a loooong time since I was in school, and that even when I was there I refused to get involved in the Greek scene (pace, perverts) because I’m far too individualist to function in those sorts of societies; I do remember what frat/sorority soirees were all about. Booze. Lots and lots of booze. And humiliating the pledges. Now, I do know that colleges across the US have eliminated the worst of the hazing, and that’s probably for the best, because, honestly, you kids are all a bunch of pussies. Y’all cry at the sorts of things we laughed off. And the sorts of mild hazing rituals that I observed my freshman year roommate suffer would send most of you crying to the Dean of Students about the inhumanity of it all.

That being said, what remains of the hazing process generally involves drinking and embarrassing the pledges. But, apparently, at UConn, even that’s too traumatic for the kiddies. Yes, you’re reading that story right, drinking is now too traumatic for sorority pledges. What the hell is the point of sororities/fraternities if we’re eliminating the booze? Social networking? Have these idiots running the university not heard of Facebook? LinkedIn? Twitter? I mean, they have to use this shit anyway if they want to survive in 21st century America.

The public statement about the sorority ban reads like a Not the Onion dreamscape…

“the sorority engaged in hazing behaviors including but not limited to forced consumption of alcohol, acting like animals, and sizzling like bacon, which included lying on the floor and wiggling,”

All it would need to make Forum Letters is some nudity and spankings. However, the killjoys in charge won’t even allow goofiness as part of the pledge process anymore. Just think of the damage done to kiddies.

This is just another symptom of a much greater disease; we all hate the moralizing of the religious right, but increasingly the progressive left is making the theocons look like libertines. I’m beginning to suspect that you team blue freaks have anthropomorphized the demon rum and think it’s an actual spiritual being to be exorcised via a ritual involving a War & Peace sized code of conduct that will cover every possible human interaction.

Look, binge drinking is bad for you, I think we can all agree on that. But part of the reason it’s such a problem in college is that kids these days arrive on college campuses without enough exposure to hooch to understand the dangers. Combine that with the natural stupidity of adolescence and what you have is a recipe for trouble. In my day I did alcohol experimentation, and learned my limits, at home or at the homes of friends surrounded by people I knew. By the time I got to college I was ready to deal with drinking in front of strangers because I knew how much it was safe to consume. Mostly I acted as the buddy for female friends that wanted someone around that would make sure they got back to their rooms safely at the end of the night.

These days? Kids are forced to learn their limits while drinking around strangers that may not have any interest in protecting them. That’s a problem. Want to see fewer binge drinking deaths in college? Stop acting like the temperance societies had the right idea. They didn’t. Prohibition made drinking less safe and didn’t stop people from drinking. And while we’re at it, stop treating adolescents like helpless infants, you’re only encouraging behaviour that endangers them.

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