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The New Atheist Guide to Women

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Riot at AtheistCon

An artist's rendition of the new atheist blogosphere


I have been enjoying, as much as the next guy, the recent religious bloodletting in the über-rational Gnu Athiest community, as St. Dick of Dawkins has been drawn & quartered by his very own followers. A contretemps made more amusing after last year’s scrum over whether or not Skepticon should be renamed Atheistcon, resulting in three deaths and 14 injuries.

There are a lot of things that I could say, were I of a mind to go full-frontal mockery on the gnu crowd. I could, for example, point out to Dick just exactly what he’s not getting. See, Dickie, what you’re missing is that your young man was excessively rude, which is why you’re not seeing it. Rudeness is endemic to your movement. And that fish began rotting at the head.

I could point out to Rebecca Watson that when you openly and publicly sexualize other people on your blog you’re not on very solid ground, by your own retarded standards, complaining about other people sexualizing you. This before getting into the cold hard reality that your “rights” stopped long before they reached that guy’s brain. (Or anyone else’s brain for that matter, aren’t you supposed to be rational? Do I really have to explain the concept of “Keep you hands off my body and my mind” to a bloody feminist?) Oh, and that whole feminist canard about men “taking advantages of power differences”, would that be like you using a public forum in front of dozens of gnus to publicly humiliate a couple of your coreligionists for having the gall to disagree with you? Doubly funny as your victims were fematheists too. Were you channeling your inner Phallocrat? Yeah, you’re a pretty rude person too. Not that there’s anything unusual in that amongst the gnu herd.

Don't be a Dick

"Hey, you don't think Phil meant me, do you?"

I could also say to Phil “Don’t be a dick!” Plait (and if I thought you were clever enough to be making a pun I’d congratulate you on the subtlety, except that I actually watched the video and know that subtlety is as far beyond you as the rest of the gnus) that, no, this wasn’t a “potential sexual assault“. What it was was a bad pass by a social retard. Of course, if you’re a female in the gnu herd you really don’t have a right to expect much different because gnutards aren’t exactly known for their manners & suavity. Stop being a Dick.

Oh, and PZ? Way to stand up there, big guy. We can see why your ethical courage makes you a legend in your own mind.

Oops, I see I’ve violated my promise above. There’s a lot more that I could say, but, really, what this boils down to is that a gnutard tried to pick up a female member of the herd on an elevator and it all went disastrously awry because, like 99% of the movement, he has no social grace and no idea how to actually talk to women. That and that sort of thing only works in Captain Morgan commercials (and this, of course, is the most hilarious part of all, that you fucktarded gnus are so easily taken in by shitty rum ads).

Well, gnutards, you’re in luck. Manners and suavity actually are my stock in trade, and while I have moral qualms about helping you guys out (because natural selection would predict that you guys never have offspring and slowly but surely weed yourself from the gene pool, and far be it for me to interfere with the workings of evolution), at the end of the day I’m still everyone’s helpful Uncle E.H.. So I’m going to help you out, because lord knows that you guys need all the help you can get.

Rebecca Watson & co.

Apparently the Holy Grail of gnutard menage a trois fantasies. Yeah, we don't get it either.

Yes, yes, yes, I know. I’m a Catholic and therefore irrational. Doubly irrational given my sexuality. And your “über-rational” natures will cause you to ignore me. But hear me out here, because unlike you “rationalists” I actually know what I’m talking about. I may be middle aged, overweight, not exactly feminine ideal of male attractiveness, and don’t have a huge…wallet. But were I a less ethical man… Well, let’s not get into that. Let’s just say that dating above my station has never been a problem for me. And I’m going to give you the benefit of what I’ve learned over the years.

We’re going to approach this in a traditional way, moving from lowest to highest on the scale of importance. We’ll build the base and work our way up from there.

  1. Hygeine. This is really important, guys. Especially if you’re stupid enough to try and pick up a woman on an elevator. Your body odor is real turn-off. In this case compounded by hours spent in a bar drinking, sweating and picking up the stink of cigarette smoke. Showering is not optional if you want to impress the ladies. Well, the sorts that you should want to hook up with anyway. Because even women with poor hygiene expect men to be clean.
  2. Manners. I can’t stress this enough. Even fematheists that denounce manners as an artifact of the evil phallocracy (a group that presumably includes Ms. Watson given her incredible rudeness in dealing with people that disagree with her) expect, nay demand, manners from potential suitors. And I’m not even talking about emulating stuff you see while watching adaptations of Jane Austen films on BBC America. Just some basic manners. Someone leaving a hotel bar at 4am telling everyone that they’re tired and going to bed is presumably tired and heading for bed. Disturbing that person en route is actually rude (unless they left their cell phone or purse or some other personal item behind). But, hey, let’s not even go there. Let’s just start with some basics. Hold the door open for women and stand aside to let them pass.
  3. Dress well. Even women that dress like slobs to express their independence from the phallocracy expect their admirers to dress well. I’ve watched the YouTube videos from the gnutarded crowd, AronRa’s tee shirts look like they last saw the inside of a washing machine before Ozzy left Black Sabbath.

    I understand that you all can’t afford to dress well, and I’m not insisting that you wear dress shirts and slacks. Christ, a clean polo shirt and chinos would be a start for 90% of you. And, if you insist on wearing sneakers, for the love of god make them New Balance walkers or something similar so that it looks like you’re wearing actual shoes from a distance. Casual dress shoes are even better.

  4. Talk to the woman before she leaves the bar. I’m sorry, men, there’s no better way for me to say this. You need to grow a pair of testicles. You’re out of college and sponging off your parents, long past puberty. Those balls should have dropped by now. If they haven’t, please go straight to your doctor and tell him so that he can give you testosterone shots.

    The time to approach the lass is in the bar, not after she’s left (for whatever reason). And, for god’s sake, don’t talk to strangers in elevators. Not because that makes you a potential rapist, but for the very basic fact that no one likes being addressed by strangers in the elevator. Male or female. Believe me. I’ve tried it out before (my favourite time being a quarter century ago in the ride up to the World Trade Center observation deck when I had a captive audience and exploited it for an extemporized stand-up routine which featured more nervous laughter than Patrick Kennedy’s wedding ceremony).

    And, if, god forbid, you feel absolutely compelled to ask the woman out in an elevator, don’t ever, under any circumstance use any variant of the line “Would you like to come back to my place for a drink?” because all she’s hearing at 4am is “Hey, wanna go back to my place and do the humpty dance?”

    As I said earlier, forget the Captain Morgan commercials, it works for those guys because the scriptwriter is helping them out. It won’t work for you. Here’s what you say (preferably in the bar before she leaves to go to bed) “Hey, I found you interesting, I’d really like to continue the conversation. Can I buy you breakfast tomorrow?” (And this does work at 4am, even if you’re quite drunk, as it’s worked for me.)

  5. Another failed hookup

  6. Always look the woman in the eye. Always. No exceptions. No, not even if you’re talking to a stripper. (In fact, it’s even more important to look women in the sex trades in the eye. They spend their “workdays” getting leered at and pawed by horny men, they actually respond pretty well to men that address them as human beings and not playgrounds.) See, when you’re looking them in the eye they get the idea that you’re actually listening to them. Which leads us to the next point.
  7. Always listen to the woman. Always. No exceptions. And this, by the way, means that you shouldn’t take every conversational opening to berate them about the idiocy of religion. Most of us actually believe in god(s) to some extent, and your cant gets tired real quick. Because one of two things are true, either the person on the other side of the conversation understands that god(s) is (are) a philosophical concept and therefore not subject to empirical falsification, which means that they’re smarter than you (I mean you may as well demand that someone falsify Peano arithmetic or Euclidean geometry), or they’re believers in the god(s) of personal theism, in which case you’re only going to annoy them by calling them idiots.

    Try discussing books… never mind, because you’re only going to start with The God Delusion (you gnutards are impossible). Try music or movies. By which I don’t mean black death metal and Zeitgeist. Remember, the goal is to mislead them into believing that you have manners and suavity.

  8. It’s OK for people to disagree. Don’t assume that the woman’s stupid because she doesn’t recognize that you’re a gnu atheist übermensch. Believe it or not most of us disagree with you not because we’re stupid, but simply because we don’t agree. Sola Empirica! (my Latin has 35 years of rust or so, so I apologize if that’s conjugated incorrectly) is a pretty stupid standard, for the most part, because empirical knowledge isn’t the entirety of human knowledge. Some things, like mathematics, can’t be known empirically. History too, for the most part, requires the use of deductive logic.

    You know what else involves non-empirical knowledge? Picking up women. It involves, for the most part, deductive logic, inductive logic, intuition and, especially, empathy. So you need to shed your gnutarded nature. This does not mean that you need to be Catholic to score. You just have to stop being a new atheist. And frankly, once you develop manners, shower daily, and dress well you’re going to be publically denounced in the gnu blogosphere as a closet religionist anyway.

There we are, guys, some helpful hints to help you in your quest to frustrate natural selection and spawn. Good luck. If Rebecca Watson is the paragon of fematheism you’re going to need it.

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