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Police Clear Feline Serial Killer


"Please don't shoot me, I promise to use the litter box next time."

“Please don’t shoot me, I promise to use the litter box next time.”

In a shocking development the North Ridgeville, Ohio Police Department has cleared one of its officers of any culpability in discharging a firearm in front of young children to murder a litter of kittens. We can not tell you just how surprised we are here at Not the Onion that the police have ruled a shooting justified. We were also stunned to see the sun rise in the east this morning.

The North Ridgeville PD dispatched Humane Officer Barry Accorti on a call to deal with an abandoned litter of kittens living behind a local home. Doing his best to live up to his job title Officer Accorti kindly explained to the young children watching on the back porch that he was going to send the cute little kitties to kittykat heaven, where they would be with all their cute fuzzy friends in a realm of endless catnip and sock toys. The young children’s mother, thinking that everything was well in hand and that the officer was going to remove the feral kittens, went back about her business. At which point the brave police officer removed his firearm and gunned the kitties down.

In yet another shocking development animal cruelty charges won’t be filed against the officer despite the fact that if any of the rest of us did this they’d be throwing the book at us. Indeed, I daresay if a private individual had gunned a litter of kittens into aspic we’d already be in the third week of round-the-clock CNN coverage. Well, when they cut into their coverage of not having a fucking clue as to what happened to Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.

But the story barely merited coverage in local Ohio media, and got not a mention nationally. Not even the rapidly metastasizing canine homicide trend seems to merit national coverage, well, so long as the killer is a police office “in fear”. If you do a google search on the string “police officer shoots dog” you get 35 million+ hits. Obviously many of these are dupes, but still, 35 million?

You won’t find a lot of national news stories about the crisis, either. It’s nearly all local coverage or niche coverage. This is a problem. It’s much easier for Americans to ignore problems when the Fox, CNN, MSNBC, etc. shield them from them. It’s also very difficult to get accurate numbers for police canine shootings. Like all other police violence statistics the police don’t track them at all. The FBI keeps telling every reporter that asks after every police shooting that they don’t track police violence because there’s no call for the statistics. Not from anyone that matters, anyway. After all we mundanes have no need to know how many people or pets the pigs attack every year.

According to a study commissioned by the National Canine Research Council up to half of all intentional police shootings may be dog related. Put another way the police are tired of shooting at silhouettes and want to use dogs instead. And America’s legal establishment is completely oblivious to the problem, witness recent testimony from new DEA chief, Michele Leonhart. She’s of the opinion that pot legalisation is dangerous for dogs because they might be tempted to eat pot brownies and get very ill. No, really.

“There was just an article last week, and it was on pets. It was about the unanticipated or unexpected consequences of this, and how veterinarians now are seeing dogs come in, their pets come in, and being treated because they’ve been exposed to marijuana,” Leonhart said.

“Again, it goes back to the edibles, it goes back to products that are in the household that are now made from marijuana, and it’s impacting pets,” Leonhart continued. “We made a list of the outcomes we thought that might happen in these two states. We never thought of putting pets down.”

The takeaway from this is that while she’s actually aware that two dogs may have died in 2012 from ingestion of a large amount of marijuana infused food products, she’s completely oblivious to the hundreds of dogs shot by police every year. See, those dogs don’t count. Her warning to Congress was that we can’t legalise a harmless plant because it might result in canine deaths. Since the drug war actually does produce a veritable puppycide, shouldn’t we be ending that instead?

"Please don't let Officer Accorti near me, I promise not to eat your pot brownies again."

“Please don’t let Officer Accorti near me, I promise not to eat your pot brownies again.”

But I digress, because there’s another problem here, one of the first warning signs of Anti-Social Personality Disorder is animal cruelty, and there’s really no other way of classifying this incident. Shooting a kitten in the head with a .40 calibre sidearm is the very definition of cruelty. So it looks like the North Ridgefield PD has assigned a borderline ASPD case to be its “Humane Officer” (take note, aspiring serial murderers, a career in law enforcement might just be for you!).

But it gets worse; Officer Unfriendly gunned down the kittens in front of a bunch of children under the age of seven. Did this dunderpated moron take even 15 seconds to think about the possible side effects of exposing children at the most impressionable part of their lives to gratuitous and shocking violence? Well, obviously, police aren’t known for their smarts. But the fact of the matter is that exposing children to violence has very real consequences. So not only did Dirty Barry slaughter a litter of kittens, he also very likely did permanent psychological damage to the very young children forced to witness it. And his police chief is genuinely confused as to why people are upset about this, shrugging his shoulders and saying “After visiting the scene, talking with the responding officer and re-interviewing the complainant, I have decided his actions were appropriate and have decided not to impose any disciplinary measures for the incident.” There you have it, the Big Pig says everything’s A-OK. But then, he’s likely a psychopath himself.

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