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GOP Proposes New “Indian Reservation” in Detroit.


"I ain't no racist, why I even talk to the guy behind the register at 7-11 when I buy my coffee in the morning."

“I ain’t no racist, why I even talk to the guy behind the register at 7-11 when I buy my coffee in the morning.”

In a stunning development it turns out that an official from very affluent Oakland County, Michigan is nearly an honorary member of the local KKK Neighborhood Watch. L. Brooks Patterson (why do guys like that always have a letter and then a name? Apparently my family wasn’t quite rich enough to afford that combination) stated in an interview with The New Yorker, “Anytime I talk about Detroit, it will not be positive. Therefore, I’m called a Detroit basher. The truth hurts, you know? Tough shit.”

Since this was not clear enough he decided to make his real feelings on the subject a little clearer with this hilarity…

“I used to say to my kids, ‘First of all, there’s no reason for you to go to Detroit. We’ve got restaurants out here.’ They don’t even have movie theatres in Detroit—not one. I can’t imagine finding something in Detroit that we don’t have in spades here. Except for live sports. We don’t have baseball, football. For that, fine—get in and get out. But park right next to the venue—spend the extra twenty or thirty bucks. And, before you go to Detroit, you get your gas out here. You do not, do not, under any circumstances, stop in Detroit at a gas station! That’s just a call for a carjacking.”

Apparently troubled by the thought that his statements made it sound as if he hated African-Americans, he elected to point out that he held racist attitudes towards Native Americans, as well.

He boasted to Paige Williams (of The New Yorker) “I made a prediction a long time ago, and it’s come to pass. I said, ‘What we’re gonna do is turn Detroit into an Indian reservation, where we herd all the Indians into the city, build a fence around it, and then throw in the blankets and the corn.'”

Apparently he doesn’t realize that we live in the 21st century and Native Americans have discovered heat and cooking. But being a politician means never having to say you’re sorry for being a racist shitheel, no, when you get caught you blame the reporter you shot your mouth off to.

“It is clear Paige Williams had an agenda when she interviewed County Executive Patterson. She cast him in a false light in order to fit her preconceived and outdated notions about the region.” Or so read his office’s official statement on the matter.

But all this raises a bigger question, could Native Americans possibly do worse than American politicians? Because Michigan’s political classes have turned Detroit into an urban wasteland. The State of Michigan has plucked Belle Isle away from the city of Detroit and established a border control to keep the Detroit residents off the one nice area of the metro region. Detroit’s politically-driven descent into post-apocalyptic wasteland has come complete with retaliatory police violence, city hall-approved police looting, blatantly illegal police looting, and outright police armed robbery. And that’s before we get into the rape allegations.

So this makes Patterson’s racism shortbus stupid, because it’s men like him and the years they’ve spent pillaging Detroit that’s brought the city to this level of ruin. So, bring on the First Nations, I say. Let them have all of metro Detroit, including Belle Isle, and let them actually govern the place for themselves. Because the results couldn’t possibly be any worse. At the very least they would cease the crackdown on urban farmers.

For your viewing pleasure we have some scenes of what Mr. Patterson imagines Native American culture to look like.

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