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EXCLUSIVE: Geithner Unveils New Plan to Fix Trade Deficit

Tim Geithner & The Bernanke

America's economic braincrust

With the federal government poised to add streaming digital media and lip synching to the list of dangerous felons, along with flower sellers, seafood importers, mortgage borrowers, orchid importers, bargain shoppers, fishermen, snowmobilers, and homeowners complaints are being heard across the political spectrum about American governments’ (at all levels) tendency to deal with every issue by passing new criminal statutes. Many people have wondered just how America’s overburdened prison systems will handle the influx of new prisoners, and whether it might make more sense to start scaling back the tendency of American politicians to deal with every problem by use of the truncheon.

However, one American political figure sees this as an opportunity rather than a problem. In an exclusive interview U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner reveals to EHMSNBC that he has come up with a way to deal with America’s prison overcrowding, fix the trade deficit, while allowing legislative bodies across the US to continue outlawing everyday behavior without any second thoughts.

“Everyone complains that the US trade deficit with China is a problem. It was 273 billion in 2010 and topped 60 billion in the first quarter of 2011, and has been over 200 billion for the last seven years. This outrages a lot of Americans. And understandably, we need to balance the trade books.”

And Mr. Geithner is convinced he has a solution to the problem. “The US prison population topped 1.6 million in 2010. Things are so bad in California’s overburdened prison system that they’re faced with the prospect of releasing violent felons to make way for all those digital piracy terrorists and other nefarious IP criminals. The problem is so bad that Americans are seriously questioning the necessity of these laws. Me? I’m an economic genius, so I want to look at this as a market opportunity. We have a surplus of prisoners, and China is in desperate need of additional prisoners to help with their public works projects, this is really a win-win-win situation.”

When asked just how this benefits taxpayers Mr. Geithner was downright enthusiastic. “Look, we can decrease the US prison population by two thirds here. Imprisoning all the criminals in this country is bankrupting governments at every level. California taxpayers are dying under the expense of keeping 140,000 people incarcerated. They need to maintain the physical plant of all those prisons, then there’s compensation and benefits packages for the prison guards, plus all those pensions that need to be paid. Just think of how much California would benefit from exporting 100,000 prisoners to China?”

When further questioned about the wisdom of overcriminalizing behavior and whether or not the market in prisoner exports wouldn’t encourage governments around the US to increase criminal sanctions for trivial actions he grew quite testy. “Look,these laws are necessary for a civilized society, people need to stop whining. The question isn’t about whether downloading music should be a felony, it’s how do we accommodate the new prisoners? Now China is in desperate need of prisoners to work on their various road projects and whatnot, and the government there is afraid that if they just jail another million prisoners to seize the necessary labor that the country could erupt. Prisoner exports will fix the trade deficit and relieve the overcrowding in the domestic prisons systems. That’s the end of it.”

He refused comment on whther turning lip synching into a felony was the best use of legal resources and kept repeating, “Prisoner exports, get used to it, it’s the future.”

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