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Ba-ath Salts

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Despite his fondness for bath salts, Thompson remains a dirty, dirty boy

Bath salts appear to be the new thing. No, not in the “Calgon, take me away,” sense, but in the “light it up! Snort it! Inject it—whatever! It’s time to get in lady’s lingerie and kill a goat while looking at porn sense.”

Mark L. Thompson of Alum Creek, West Virginia, was arrested on Monday for doing such a thing. After smoking bath salts for the past three days, Mark decided to hop the fence and make off with a young a goat—a goat the neighbor, Lisa Powers, bought as a gift for her young grandson.

Neighbors called Powers’ nephew to report that the goat was seen wandering the hallways of Thompson’s house. “You better go get it,” they instructed. Dutifully, the nephew barged in to Thompson’s house expecting to rescue the goat.

Thompson and the goat, however, were locked secure in the boudoir, “he told them, ‘Don’t come in, I’m naked,'” Powers told a local paper. “But they opened the door and he was standing there with his pants down. He had on women’s clothing and the goat was dead and there was blood everywhere. It was just a scene.”

Thompson promptly jumped out the window seeking refuge in the forest…. Covered in goat’s blood and wearing women’s underwear.

Thompson was charged with cruelty to animals on Tuesday is being held on a $50,000 bond. Bailey, the goat, however will never be released from the torment he endured at the intoxicating hands of bath salts. We’re sure that when he and Osama compare notes, drifting into the afterlife on some ethereal cloud, Osama will say, “Yours was worse.”

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