About a dozen years ago I had a dream of creating a satirical news site that would push the boundaries between the real and the imaginative. I adopted the name EHMSNBC (E.H. Munro’s Satirical News and Bullshit Commentary) in the expectation that the ever-litigious Microsoft would generate some free publicity by issuing a cease and desist order. Alas, the necessity of paying the bills in a very expensive region of the U.S. made it tough for me to dedicate the necessary time to the project and it went through half a dozen iterations over the years.
However the time has come to let it go. Because, frankly, real life is so absurd that even trying to push the boundaries satirically isn’t as funny as the real news. So with that EHMSNBC is now Not the Onion, because the real news remains funnier than the ersatz stories that appear on The Onion and its legion of (even worse) imitators.
We’re dedicated to bringing you the real news from the real world. The world in which in which a pro-war, pro-ethnic cleansing organisation gets IRS recognition as a “charitable organisation” by calling itself Americans for Peace and Tolerance. So, KKK groups across America, there’s hope for you yet. Just give yourselves a friendlier name, like the Knights of Kittens & Karaoke.
Terms of Service:
Please read this Agreement carefully before accessing or using the Website. By accessing or using any part of the web site, you agree to become bound by the terms and conditions of this agreement. If you do not agree to all the terms and conditions of this agreement, then you may not access the Website or use any services. If these terms and conditions are considered an offer by Not the Onion, acceptance is expressly limited to these terms. The Website is available only to individuals who are at least 13 years old.
- Your NottheOnion.net Account and Site. If you create a blog/site on the Website, you are responsible for maintaining the security of your account and blog, and you are fully responsible for all activities that occur under the account and any other actions taken in connection with the blog. You must not describe or assign keywords to your blog in a misleading or unlawful manner, including in a manner intended to trade on the name or reputation of others, and Not the Onion may change or remove any description or keyword that it considers inappropriate or unlawful, or otherwise likely to cause Not the Onion liability. You must immediately notify Not the Onion of any unauthorized uses of your blog, your account or any other breaches of security. Not the Onion will not be liable for any acts or omissions by You, including any damages of any kind incurred as a result of such acts or omissions.
- Responsibility of Contributors. If you operate a blog, comment on a blog, post material to the Website, post links on the Website, or otherwise make (or allow any third party to make) material available by means of the Website (any such material, "Content"), You are entirely responsible for the content of, and any harm resulting from, that Content. That is the case regardless of whether the Content in question constitutes text, graphics, an audio file, or computer software. By making Content available, you represent and warrant that:
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- if your employer has rights to intellectual property you create, you have either (i) received permission from your employer to post or make available the Content, including but not limited to any software, or (ii) secured from your employer a waiver as to all rights in or to the Content;
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Without limiting any of those representations or warranties, Not the Onion has the right (though not the obligation) to, in NtO's sole discretion (i) refuse or remove any content that, in NtO's reasonable opinion, violates any Not the Onion policy or is in any way harmful or objectionable, or (ii) terminate or deny access to and use of the Website to any individual or entity for any reason, in NtO's sole discretion. Not the Onion will have no obligation to provide a refund of any amounts previously paid.
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- General Terms.
By selecting a product or service, you agree to pay Not the Onion the one-time and/or monthly or annual subscription fees indicated (additional payment terms may be included in other communications). Subscription payments will be charged on a pre-pay basis on the day you sign up for an Upgrade and will cover the use of that service for a monthly or annual subscription period as indicated. Payments are not refundable.
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Unless you notify Not the Onion before the end of the applicable subscription period that you want to cancel a subscription, your subscription will automatically renew and you authorize us to collect the then-applicable annual or monthly subscription fee for such subscription (as well as any taxes) using any credit card or other payment mechanism we have on record for you. Upgrades can be canceled at any time by submitting your request to Not the Onion in writing.
- General Terms.
- Fees; Payment. By signing up for a Services account you agree to pay Not the Onion the applicable setup fees and recurring fees. Applicable fees will be invoiced starting from the day your services are established and in advance of using such services. Not the Onion reserves the right to change the payment terms and fees upon thirty (30) days prior written notice to you. Services can be canceled by you at anytime on thirty (30) days written notice to Not the Onion.
- Support. If your service includes access to priority email support. "Email support" means the ability to make requests for technical support assistance by email at any time (with reasonable efforts by Not the Onion to respond within one business day) concerning the use of the VIP Services. "Priority" means that support takes priority over support for users of the standard or free NottheOnion.net services. All support will be provided in accordance with Not the Onion standard services practices, procedures and policies.
- Responsibility of Website Visitors. Not the Onion has not reviewed, and cannot review, all of the material, including computer software, posted to the Website, and cannot therefore be responsible for that material's content, use or effects. By operating the Website, Not the Onion does not represent or imply that it endorses the material there posted, or that it believes such material to be accurate, useful or non-harmful. You are responsible for taking precautions as necessary to protect yourself and your computer systems from viruses, worms, Trojan horses, and other harmful or destructive content. The Website may contain content that is offensive, indecent, or otherwise objectionable, as well as content containing technical inaccuracies, typographical mistakes, and other errors. The Website may also contain material that violates the privacy or publicity rights, or infringes the intellectual property and other proprietary rights, of third parties, or the downloading, copying or use of which is subject to additional terms and conditions, stated or unstated. Not the Onion disclaims any responsibility for any harm resulting from the use by visitors of the Website, or from any downloading by those visitors of content there posted.
- Content Posted on Other Websites. We have not reviewed, and cannot review, all of the material, including computer software, made available through the websites and webpages to which NottheOnion.net links, and that link to NottheOnion.net. Not the Onion does not have any control over those non-Not the Onion websites and webpages, and is not responsible for their contents or their use. By linking to a non-Not the Onion website or webpage, Not the Onion does not represent or imply that it endorses such website or webpage. You are responsible for taking precautions as necessary to protect yourself and your computer systems from viruses, worms, Trojan horses, and other harmful or destructive content. Not the Onion disclaims any responsibility for any harm resulting from your use of non-Not the Onion websites and webpages.
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- Miscellaneous. This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement between Not the Onion and you concerning the subject matter hereof, and they may only be modified by a written amendment signed by an authorized executive of Not the Onion, or by the posting by Not the Onion of a revised version. Except to the extent applicable law, if any, provides otherwise, this Agreement, any access to or use of the Website will be governed by the laws of the state of Confusion, excluding its conflict of law provisions, and the proper venue for any disputes arising out of or relating to any of the same will be the state and federal courts located in Essex County, Massachusetts. Except for claims for injunctive or equitable relief or claims regarding intellectual property rights (which may be brought in any competent court without the posting of a bond), any dispute arising under this Agreement shall be finally settled in accordance with the Comprehensive Arbitration Rules of the Judicial Arbitration and Mediation Service, Inc. ("JAMS") by three arbitrators appointed in accordance with such Rules. The arbitration shall take place in Lawrence, Massachusetts, in the English language and the arbitral decision may be enforced in any court. The prevailing party in any action or proceeding to enforce this Agreement shall be entitled to costs and attorneys' fees. If any part of this Agreement is held invalid or unenforceable, that part will be construed to reflect the parties' original intent, and the remaining portions will remain in full force and effect. A waiver by either party of any term or condition of this Agreement or any breach thereof, in any one instance, will not waive such term or condition or any subsequent breach thereof. You may assign your rights under this Agreement to any party that consents to, and agrees to be bound by, its terms and conditions; Not the Onion may assign its rights under this Agreement without condition. This Agreement will be binding upon and will inure to the benefit of the parties, their successors and permitted assigns.
NtO Publishing ("Not the Onion") operates NottheOnion.net and may operate other websites. It is NtO's policy to respect your privacy regarding any information we may collect while operating our websites.
Like most website operators, Not the Onion collects non-personally-identifying information of the sort that web browsers and servers typically make available, such as the browser type, language preference, referring site, and the date and time of each visitor request. NtO's purpose in collecting non-personally identifying information is to better understand how NtO's visitors use its website. From time to time, Not the Onion may release non-personally-identifying information in the aggregate, e.g., by publishing a report on trends in the usage of its website.
Not the Onion also collects potentially personally-identifying information like Internet Protocol (IP) addresses for logged in users and for users leaving comments on NottheOnion.net blogs/sites. Not the Onion only discloses logged in user and commenter IP addresses under the same circumstances that it uses and discloses personally-identifying information as described below, except that commenter IP addresses and email addresses are visible and disclosed to the administrators of the blog/site where the comment was left.
Gathering of Personally-Identifying Information
Certain visitors to NtO's websites choose to interact with Not the Onion in ways that require Not the Onion to gather personally-identifying information. The amount and type of information that Not the Onion gathers depends on the nature of the interaction. For example, we ask visitors who sign up at NottheOnion.net to provide a username and email address. Those who engage in transactions with Not the Onion are asked to provide additional information, including as necessary the personal and financial information required to process those transactions. In each case, Not the Onion collects such information only insofar as is necessary or appropriate to fulfill the purpose of the visitor's interaction with Not the Onion. Not the Onion does not disclose personally-identifying information other than as described below. And visitors can always refuse to supply personally-identifying information, with the caveat that it may prevent them from engaging in certain website-related activities.
Not the Onion may collect statistics about the behavior of visitors to its websites. Not the Onion may display this information publicly or provide it to others. However, Not the Onion does not disclose personally-identifying information other than as described below.
Protection of Certain Personally-Identifying Information
Not the Onion discloses potentially personally-identifying and personally-identifying information only to those of its employees, contractors and affiliated organizations that (i) need to know that information in order to process it on NtO's behalf or to provide services available at NtO's websites, and (ii) that have agreed not to disclose it to others. Some of those employees, contractors and affiliated organizations may be located outside of your home country; by using NtO's websites, you consent to the transfer of such information to them. Not the Onion will not rent or sell potentially personally-identifying and personally-identifying information to anyone. Other than to its employees, contractors and affiliated organizations, as described above, Not the Onion discloses potentially personally-identifying and personally-identifying information only in response to a subpoena, court order or other governmental request, or when Not the Onion believes in good faith that disclosure is reasonably necessary to protect the property or rights of Not the Onion, third parties or the public at large. If you are a registered user of an Not the Onion website and have supplied your email address, Not the Onion may occasionally send you an email to tell you about new features, solicit your feedback, or just keep you up to date with what's going on with Not the Onion and our products. If you send us a request (for example via email or via one of our feedback mechanisms), we reserve the right to publish it in order to help us clarify or respond to your request or to help us support other users. Not the Onion takes all measures reasonably necessary to protect against the unauthorized access, use, alteration or destruction of potentially personally-identifying and personally-identifying information.
If Not the Onion, or substantially all of its assets, were acquired, or in the unlikely event that Not the Onion goes out of business or enters bankruptcy, user information would be one of the assets that is transferred or acquired by a third party. You acknowledge that such transfers may occur, and that any acquirer of Not the Onion may continue to use your personal information as set forth in this policy.